Review: The Land of Sometimes commits the cardinal sin of being utterly forgettable

There are few genres I love as much as the musical, and thus few things that irk me as much as a musical with bad songs. Unfortunately, that's exactly what we have with The Land of Sometimes, a new musical fantasy adventure hitting theaters this weekend. Based on an audio book (seriously, not a book, but an audio book), the film feels like a poor man's version of last year's lovely In Your Dreams. This is a movie I could feel myself forgetting as I watched it. I couldn't hum one of the songs right now to save my life. 

The Land of Sometimes follows twins Alfie and Elsie, who are given a magical wish watch by their mother on Christmas Eve. Life for the twins has been hard. Their father is missing in action, and thus their mom kind of is, too. Their whole life seems to be fading, with less color and fun. Elsie seems to be taking it particularly hard, regularly lashing out at her mother. It's Christmas Eve, and the house isn't decorated, and there's a notable lack of holiday cheer. But the wish watch gives the twins what Elsie desperately wants: a chance to go on an adventure.

The watch summons a giant astral ship that flies through the sky and lights outside the kids' bedroom window. They met the Wish Collector, a spindly pseudo-wizard who becomes their guide for their journey to the titular island. The Land of Sometimes is a curious place, where each day goes through all four seasons, and each night sees the island crumble into the sea before re-emerging the next day. The twins are on a mission: they each have to use their three wishes before the end of the day, or they, too will crumble with the island and become permanent residents there.

Now, I understand that this is a movie that's aimed at kids, so maybe it's a bit unfair to look too closely at the mechanics of the story. But I immediately was like...these kids should make some rapid-fire wishes for a bunch of money, for their dad to come home, etc. Then they could enjoy the rest of the day on the island, make sure they have time to get back to the ship in time. There's no reason for things to go as off-track as they do. But hey, then there wouldn't be a movie, so all's fair.

What isn't fair is how utterly forgettable and random this movie is. The Land of Sometimes takes a kitchen-sink approach to its fantastical world in a way that reminded me of Strange World. At every turn, there's some new random creature or character who likely doesn't really matter and will probably vanish after a minute or two, never to be heard from again. At one point, the kids meet this fish/slug guy who sings a song and then is gone, and I have no idea why. This never feels like it's an actual movie, but rather just a collection of things happening without any shape, rhyme, or reason. 

I do like this guy.

Again, I think I have to reiterate how frustrating this is on the musical front. Or should I say, the musical affront. We've got a great voice cast assembled here, including known good singers Ewan McGregor and Alisha Weir (and also Helena Bonham Carter, who fares alright since this isn't Sondheim), but they are given the most forgettable, limp songs you can imagine. And most of the musical numbers are relegated to these barely-even-a-character supporting players, like the aforementioned slug guy and this slime woman who emerges from a well. It is crazy that I can't hum or sing a single line from a song from a movie I watched last night. 

But then, within a week I probably won't remember anything about this movie at all. I was so excited to journey to the Land of Sometimes with its colorful vistas, solid voice cast, and promise of musical numbers. But what I ended up with was a wee vacation that I was desperate to end.